Reality

tomorrow is my one year of sobriety. i have worked my ass off and it fucking pisses me off when people say i havent. i am very proud of myself. getting sober was the hardest thing i have ever done. for those of you who know what i have been through, that is a lot of work and dedication. i never thought i would get to the point in my life that i have. its scary to look back and see what i used to be. hell, my mom even told me she didnt expect me to make it to my 18th birthday. i realize now that if i can get one year, then i can get two. so, ya, YAY ME!!

Robbie: thank you so much for being so supportive through these past almost nine months. you helped me realize that i dont need coke to be happy. i dont know where i would be without you.

to everyone else who helped in their own way, thank you. having you guys was a big help in keeping my sobriety.

Current Mood: anxious

okay, so today me and mandy had to go bra shopping for me. i have always been a C cup. now im a B. i guess that i really am losing weight. im scared to get on the scale though. i dont know if i gained more weight since yesterday morning. yesterday i weighed 105 lb.s now i feel like i would weigh 115. how is it that people look at me and think i am so thin and see that i am thin, but i cant? i look in the mirror and all i see is imperfection. it sucks. im never going to be good enough. why do i let my weight control me? now i might need to get implants if my chest keeps shrinking. i feel like a fucking man!! A B CUP!!! thats not possible, but yet thats what fit...

soon im going to have a concave chest...then ill be in real trouble.

why do i feel so lonely...maybe if i lost more weight i would feel better...

i know that im loved. i know that robbie would do anything for me and i would do anything for him. but this entry isnt about him. its about everyone else.

i dont go to my highschool anymore. its hard to try to have a fun senior year when half of your old friends dont talk to you anymore. Its also hard when the friends you have kind of fade off into the distance no matter how much you try, the friendships end. there are a few people i trust. some of them are still as close to me as ever and others have drifted. the person i miss the most means the world to me. i dont know what i would have done without her. it used to be that i could look at the ring she bought me and i would know that she was with me in my heart, but now, things have changed. there arent the daily phone calls or the girls night out. i miss her...a lot. i just hope she misses me.

hopefully, ill be at Lesley in January taking classes, thank god i wont have to be in concord anymore. well actually, we're moving anyway...probably back to westford to a gorgeous condo. im going to miss my old life, i already do. ever since i got back from arizona, my life has drastically changed. i miss the never ending parties and being able not to care about the consequences. But most of all, i miss the coke. if it wasnt for my baby and Julie i dont know where i would be right now.

baby, i love you with my whole heart.

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: TV

missing my twin...

broken,
the way a good girl isn't.

insane,
just like her own kin.

drunk,
now you know shes one of her own.

hollow,
only pain from the broken bottle.

stillness,
only comes,
once her mother has nursed that same bottle empty.

unloved,
she always thought she'ld be.

life has changed,
the screams and drunks,
the addicts and hopelessness,


all gone.

she has life again,
hope,
promise.

she is happy,
or atleast appears to be.

she has love,
from a few select people,
but not at the place she calls home.

the screams still follow her as she gets in her car every morning,
and welcome her home in the evenings.

the random bottles,
the valium,
and the hidden food,
all come out of the shadows
once she steps through the door.
'
the one thing that keeps her sane,
is the love of her life.
she is blessed to have him,
for without,
she would have disapeared,
long before the six months.



Baby, I love you...thank you for everything

-Brie

Found these on the web and had to post them!


BEATEN BLIND

He decides what clothes I wear,
If it wee up to him I'd have no hair.
I'd be looked up alone in the house,
But I can't leave him, he's my spouse.

He makes me wash, cook and clean,
Some things I do are just obsence.
He hides my make-up and accessories too,
And if I wear them he'll beat me blue.

I feel so alone, I have no life,
I didn't realise he'd be so much strife.
So how could I ever put this to an end,
If he doesn't allow me to have one friend.

I simply have no where to go,
I try to get him to change, but he says 'No'
I thought about dying and freeing my soul,
As this constant abuse has taken it's tole.

I am weak and just can't let go,
But I really want the world to know.
Please don't let your love control your mind,
Because love has beaten me truly blind.

Nichola Firth
Feb '99



Our Little secret

Why does he make me do it?
He knows I’m under age.
Its not just that, he's family,
If I say no he gets in a rage.

I try to fight him off,
I struggle, full of tears,
He says it’s our little secret,
He’s been doing this for years.

The pain is unbearable,
Sometimes I find it hard to walk,
He even gives me bruises,
If I am noisy or talk.

I want to tell my mum,
Maybe he can make him go,
But then he will come after me,
He says he needs me so.

Nichola Firth
23.3.99



Eating is a sin

Food, I really hate the stuff,
The smell alone makes me gyp.
I’m far too fat and ugly to eat,
There’s 1000’s of calories in each chip.

My stomach and cheeks are really drawn in,
But not far enough.
My legs are too chubby and wide,
My face, I refuse to stuff.

Admit I have a problem?
A problem, I see non-.
I’m just big and ugly,
My appetites just gone.

I just want to be skinny,
Thin and pretty too.
No one will like me like this,
It’s what I want to do.

Nobody can stop me!
You can never be too thin.
Being sick is easy,
Eating is a sin.

Nichola Firth
12.01.99

So, I'm finally home after fighting and working my ass of while i was away. I almost wish i was away again. People i were expecting to still be sober when i came home are now drinking and smoking. thank god for Tim, Romie, and Ryan. They atleast respect the work i've done while i was in arizona. People backstabbing me really isn't going to work anymore. I worked way to hard to be happy. No one is going to fucking drag me down. Fuck everyone that wants to use and then tell me about it. I WANT TO USE EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY BUT I FUCKING CANT. IF I DO USE AGAIN I WILL NOT RETURN HOME AND I MIGHT EVEN DIE. I WISH PEOPLE WOULD FUCKING WAKE UP!!!

ok, im done.

Current Mood: aggravated

I had tried to forget
the pain he had caused.

but all that came
were the memories of happy times.

it lasted six months...
six months i thought were happy.

today i saw him
with a dozen roses
meant for another.

it finally occured
that i was not done with him

what i would do if i could make us happy

maybe if greg hadnt stepped back into the picture

maybe if i wasnt me.

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: none

happiness seems like it was so long ago,
just like a fading memory.

we both realize it,
acknowledge it,
hate it.

neither one is ready to let go.

i feel him fading,
into the patchwork.

should i try to stop it,
try to be happy.

being happy is a wonderful blessing,
i just wish someone would have blessed me...

Current Music: watching just shoot me

The blood that runs from wrist to arm
Now knowing that all I've ever done was harm
How good it would feel to know that your childhood and memories were in the sea of red
What it would be like for everyone to know that their enemy was dead
Pills were no way for this life to end
It'd be too easy to just take a couple and kill this life that was too hard to mend
Guns I'd never use for they've killed too many already
And the temptations to just pull the trigger and that's it, gone so quick and steady
Drowning would only let me feel that I am free before my blink
Knowing that it would be my last time for laughing, crying, or to think
Cutting off my air passage would only be torture for I'd die in pain
And the image that my rescuer would observe only to make them insane
Jumping is another way out but the result would be a mess
God, why can't I just be happy for once, free from all this stress
But all these situations will never come true for me
For I've made the one promise to never commit suicide, this is how the rest of my life will be


By mandie

                   

Lil Wyte
Oxy Cotton
__________________

"Oxy Cotton"

[Lil' Wyte]
Go on and slip me two Xanax Bars - I'm ready to git fool
5th to Crown to wash it down, I'm downtown snapping rolls
Ain't no shame up in my game - in fact I'm mentally deranged
Oxycontin in my system - man I'm feeling kinda strange
Watch me choke about this dope - Blueberry from Texas
She wanna git up in rotation that's too bad cause I'm stressing
'Bout now its 1:30 am - 11 Percocets just entered me
15 minutes from this second - I'll be crawling on my knees
Laughing at the crowd of all the clowns that be surrounding me
Take another Lortab to call me down and let me see
Body be relaxed - muscles be loose, and you have stopped the pain
No more bitching 'bout your day and work and driving in the rain
Put up wit' the fussing and discussion - I plant in your brain
Hypnotize ya minds, like all the rest but I come through the veins
Take a chill pill to slow me down and git back in this game
Gatta be up on ya P's and Q's to even feel it mane

[Hook 2x - Lil' Wyte]
Oxycontin - Xanax Bars - Percocet and Lortab
Valiums - Morphine - patches - Exctacy - and it's all up for grab
What'cha want - what'cha need - hit me up I got you mane
What'cha want - what'cha need - hit me up I got you mane

[Lord Infamous]
Scarecrow, scarecrow whats that you popping?
A powerful pill they call Oxycontin
But it'so tiny, that it catch you dragging
Haven't you heard big things come in small packages
I prefer the orange's with the black O-C
Take to where you can - I move about you see
Some people mellow down in a needle and shoot 'em up
Buy I pop 'em with Seroquel like glue, I am stuck

[Crunchy Blac]
See I'ma pill popper - so I'ma keep poppin' em
Gimme 20 Xanax and I'ma start droppin' em
They ain't no stoppin' him - when they in my system
Mane I really miss 'em - can you help me get 'em
I heard you have Clidina, on that fucking pill shed
Gimme some fuckn Ec' - gimme some Percocets
I need me some four bar, so I can break down
Cause a nigga like me 'finna take it to funky town

[Hook 2x - Lil' Wyte]
Oxycontin - Xanax Bars - Percocet and Lortab
Valiums - Morphine - patches - Ecstacy - and it's all up for grab
What'cha want - what'cha need - hit me up I got you mane
What'cha want - what'cha need - hit me up I got you mane

I saw him
and he saw me

now i feel as though i am the only one seeing
and he is blind

should i wait
and save my vision

or should i try to help him see once again.

has he already forgotten
the colors,
the smiles

or does he choose to not awknowledge them;
to see me.

does he see someone else
or only a career

or does he see me
but doesnt want me to know that he can see

doesnt want me with anymore pain
anymore let downs
anymore broken promises.

i just wish that he chose to see me once again;
to see my smile,
my looks of love,
the sweat on my body after sex.

it is up to him to see.
i cannot open his eyes for him.

Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Linkin Park

wow...
i have 3 decisions.
dracut, waltham, or arizona.
no idea what to do.
totally confused

why is that you must come back.
i had bottled you away
in the back of my memory.
i locked my memories of us
in a box and had melted the key.
i thought the box would be closed forever.
but as soon as we had a conversation
and another
and another,
i started to feel for you and the box began to open.
why do i feel like i am betraying myself, jay, and my friends.
i feel like i have done wrong.
letting my emotions show and be known.
i fear that my love for you is seeping back into reality.
our memories were locked away with anthony.
i just wonder that if he was still here if the same would be happening with him.
i know that we can never be again.
for you are engaged to the woman you left me for.
are you just letting yourself feel for me because you are having trouble with her?
or are you loving me again just because?
when you left, i considered you gone; just like anthony.
i considered you a ghost; a figment of my imagination.
i do not know where to go from here.
i just hope you do.

I never expected it to be this way when i was brought into this world. How did i survive? did daddy plan, before he had me, to rape me, to control me, to change the world for me. was i born as a perverted mans plan. is my life real or should i not be? was my mothers womb taken advantage of or did she agree to go along for the ride? am i nothing better than a whore, a prostitute, a mistress. or am i somebody. someone with a purpose, an idea, a life. did daddy plan before he had me to rape me, to control me, to change the world for me. was i born a perverted mans plan. do i have a purpose? or am i here to please daddy, to make him happy. Daddy. Please Stop. Please let me go. you have held me for too long. maybe one day i will be able to separate myself from him. but right now, i am forced to stay. stay with the person that has taken my innocence, my life, my dreams. but i must fight, fight for my freedom.

Current Mood: dirty
Current Music: Pink...Dear Diary

the little girl with curly hair and bottle-shaped glasses cries herself to sleep. her parents are no where to be found; only nannys and opares. the promises she was told are broken at last minute notices. the girl has grown. in other peoples eyes, she is strong, independant, and secure. to those who know her best, this is just a facade. she is still the same. the same little girl who learned to trust no one, to not believe in promises. a part of her still believes in what people tell her. the promises and dates. the love and trust. when she is let down, once again, she turns into the little girl. the girl who grew up not really knowing her parents and always seeking their approval; knowing that she never would. the cycle continues. to the little girl it seems never ending. she cannot let herself know that the promises are still false or that the love was never there. she still retreats into her inner child. thinking of what a failure she is. how she will never be good enough for anyone. how she will never truly be loved or cared for... except for by the paid help.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Pink...Dear Diary

ALONE I stand alone in the cold depths of the world I am not afraid or lonely , just a secluded little girl. no one can reach me, for i cannot feel the damage has been done, these internal wounds wont heal. why wont they disappear, im better off this way, listen to me, someone, i cant deal another day. my emotions run cold and empty, its easy to see, i dont understand, why arent you looking out for me? These beasts have no feelings, no attempt to change, what's wrong, why is it like this, i must be out of range. someone, help me, i know this isnt right... but i hate my life, this war i have to fight- From all around me, i can hear the moans, but no one hears them. I stand alone. ~Anonymus ok, ya, so me and mosher are back together. im really happy. when i wasn't with him, i felt empty. he scared me the other night though. he started talking about how he wanted to settle down and have a family in the future. i asked him if he saw me in his future and he said he wasn't sure. i know im not ready to settle down. im too young to do that. my birthday's on wednesday im wicked excited! i havn't drank since new years, i fucking want a shot! alright. im going to go "bond" with charlie.... have a fabulous night.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: tv

so while im writing this im eating a really yummy clementine. ok, so i got stranded today, well actually twice, but whatever.. it sucked. so anthony ransin gave me a ride home. of course his girlfriend came, who is obviously a freshman. then, peter came, which was kind of sketchy because im friends with Ali. when we got to my house, peter wanted to hook up. he was so fucking persistant. its really too bad i have morals. lol. they left after half an hour. he just didn't get the fact that i dont hook up with random guys anymore and the fact that i wouldn't do that to ali. wow. i was like "you wont even talk to me if i hook up with you." and he was like "ill say hi sometimes." wow, wicked sketch. sfdso anyway.... my moms gone for the night and i have my house to myself. im thinking about walking around naked just because i can, or going in the jacuzzi naked. it'll be fun. so i called dave because he was suppossed to talk to mosher about picking up my calls, but aparently ive been drinking tonight, which is news to me, well not really, but im not even drunk, so he wont fucking answer my calls because he doesn't want to talk to me drunk. its fucked. all i need to know is one thing, its not like i'm going to beg him to be with me like i did with dave, ya that sucked, holy 24/7 hangover! ya, so my dog definitly ran through the house with her muddy paws, its a good thing the cleaning ladies are coming before my mom gets back or i'ld be screwed.

Current Mood: tipsy....soon to be drunk

hayley left like an hour ago. that was fun. will picked her up. he's so fun. ok, well today i found out that amber and dave got engaged like two weeks ago. wow, i was the last to know. lol. FABULOUS!
i just got off the phone with carl. hes coming home for like 3 weeks during christmas. yay! im wicked excited. i miss him so much! i was telling him about this guy that was totally straight edge and he was like "I'm straight edge." it was kind of funny because he's straight edge, but not like really. it just sounded wicked funny coming from him. i was laughing for like an hour.
ya, so mosher drove by my house today like 3 times...kind of sketchy because he has no reason to be near my house. i live like in the middle of nowhere. well, mackenzie lives right down the street from me, but whatever lol.
just found out that my mom wont be home tomorrow night. im wicked excited...i get the house to myself. its really too bad im single again... oh well.
ok, so like im thinking time to go in the jacuzzi. have a great night everyone....

Current Mood: drugged up
Current Music: smallville...i know, lame